Q: IS THIS SERIOUS?
As serious as a heart attack.
Q: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SWEARING?
As all great things do, this one originates with my mom: "Swearing is solely reserved for occasions when no other form of expression will get your point across. Or for when it's just plain funny." I feel we have met both criteria here, eh?
Q: WHERE IS THIS COFFEE FROM?
From all over.* We are constantly buying new beans from new growers all around the world. But! We always do our best to keep three things solid:
1) A classic coffee flavor profile. Like the yummiest coffee that you'd drive 30 minutes out of the way to get to, even though (especially when) you're hungover. So if you're looking for esoteric coffee with flavor notes of lavender, prickly pear or uncured bacon, then you'll need to look elsewhere. Classic, rich, bold coffee flavor is how we roll, fool.
2) Organic beans grown with sustainable love and care. We have no interest in peppering our clients with chemicals or fucking over the rainforests, man. That shit's for the birds.
3) Fair Trade practices. No matter how awesome the coffee is, it's hard to get that slave-labor taste out of your mouth. Fuck that shit.
*We'll keep the site updated with the origin of each current batch, so stay tuned and keep hitting refresh. And we'll always include the origin on each bag you receive.
Q: WHO IS ROASTING THIS COFFEE?
At the point in time that your eyes are reading this text, our coffee is exclusively roasted by a master artisan roaster in lovely Bucks County, Pennsylvania. I've known this dude for a long time. He takes his shit super seriously, and roasts perfect fucking coffee. He is cute, plays the guitar and has a newborn baby girl – all of which seems to positively affect the flavor of the coffee.
Q: WHEN WAS MY COFFEE ROASTED?
We are roasting coffee in very (very) small batches, so the roast you get is super fresh. How fresh? Ideally, the day it was shipped. Sometimes a day or two before tops. The roast date will be right on the fucking bag, fact checker. (Thank you for your diligence.)
Q: IS YOUR COFFEE LIGHT OR DARK ROAST?
Neither. It's "right" roasted. In other words, it's roasted fucking properly. I'm not fucking with you, here. There is a threshold in the roasting process where the beans' natural flavor is maximized. Any continued roasting will overwhelm the bean flavor with the flavor of the roast. (That's when you start getting that "burnt" taste. Blech.) So, do you want to taste the bean or do you want to taste the flame? Trick question, because the answer is both. You want that perfect fucking balance. So we give the beans just enough flame to bring out their flavor – but at the end of the day, we let the beans do the talking, man.
Long story short: We don't fuck with that "Light Roast/Dark Roast" bullshit. We roast it perfectly, and then we shut the fuck up.
Q: WHY IS YOUR COFFEE SO EXPENSIVE?
I could just as easily ask why your mom is so expensive.
(The answer would be that your mom is gorgeous and wonderful and incredibly talented, thus worth every fucking penny.)
What part of Great Fucking Coffee did you not understand? If you're accustomed to paying less for coffee, it's probably because you're buying shit coffee – smothered in pesticides, roasted by some douche lord and harvested by people who are treated like slaves. Do you want all of that in your mouth and on your conscience while trying to enjoy your fucking breakfast? Didn't think so.* So spend a few extra bucks on this Great Fucking Coffee and don't be a cheap, apathetic fuck. (Nobody is getting rich off of this endeavor, I assure you. This is a labor of love, pure and fucking simple.)
*If you answered yes, then... wtf, man?
DO YOU SHIP INTERNATIONALLY?
I WANT TO CARRY YOUR GREAT FUCKING COFFEE IN MY OWN FUCKING STORE... CAN I SELL YOUR COFFEE?
Absolutely. Hit us up via the contact form about wholesale and reselling coffee opportunities. Please include lots of details on who you are and how you sell coffee so we can respond with all the coffee details you need. Or give us the good word at firstname.lastname@example.org.